How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

I got the following in an email.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

I don't do chain letter like things, but this one is good, so I put it here.

Quick ways to turn me off (my bitch meter guide)...

I got this from Dana's (http://danatgirl666.blogspot.com) MySpace Blog. I could not agree more.

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You will be ignored and the target of various hexes and curses for any of the following offenses:

1. send me a message containing any of the following phrases: "ur sexy" "hey babe" "you top or bottom?" "I travel and will be in your area soon" or "why do you have the sign of satan in your email address?"
2. say that George Bush is a genius, or is honest
3. ask me to send you naughty pics
4. send me close-up pics of your penis
5. ask me where I live -please read my freakin profile and then look at a goddamn map!
6. say you like any of the following shows for any reason other than as fodder for ridicule and scorn: "Fox News" "American Idol" "Wife Swap" "JAG" "Saturday Night Live" (at least ones since Eddie Murphy left) or "Seventh Heaven"

Got it punks? Carry on...

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George Carlin on Religion

I hate the idea that I am basing anything on the words of a comedian, but George Carlin I think has gotten it right.
Vickie

George Carlin on religion

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

(for the rest of his HBO Special text click here)

Bren Speaks: You might be a t-girl if...

Funny stuff!

Friday, July 30, 2004

You might be a t-girl if...

You might be a t-girl if you always sit and close the lid.
You might be a t-girl if during sex you're thinking, "I wonder what it would feel like to be her."
You might be a t-girl if your mom gets you and your twin sister mixed up
You might be a t-girl if you can name 3 bra manufacturers.
You might be a t-girl if you're considering electrolysis because you just can't shave close enough.
You might be a t-girl if you've asked someone if your pants make you look fat.
You might be a t-girl if you get invited a lot to Mary Kay parties
You might be a t-girl if you can name all the hormone derivatives of cholesterol.
You might be a t-girl if duct tape is part of your clothing budget
You might be a t-girl if a friend said you were bitchy lately
You might be a t-girl if hallmark commercials make you cry while you eat cookie dough
You might be a t-girl if when you check out a woman as she walks by, you're wondering where she got her shoes.
You might be a t-girl if you've seen "A Soldier's Girl" 10 times.
You might be a t-girl if you've been bikini waxed.
You might be a t-girl if you've learned to lie to your friends, saying "you look so cute in that outfit"
You might be a t-girl if you have a lot of cute outfits

posted by Bren @ 2:10 PM