You have the trans calling in your soul, deep at the acorn. You know that.
Your question is simple: What the hell can you do about it?
The answer, as you know too, is both simple and insanely hard. You stand in front of the mirror and say the serenity prayer: "God, grant me the strength to change what I can change, the serenity to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Then, everyday for the rest of your life, you work it, saying the same prayer, changing what you can, finding ways to accept what you cannot change, and searching for the wisdom to know what to try next.
You know that no amount of praying is going to turn your body female, no matter how much you want it. It would have happened long ago.
But you should know that now, more than ever before in America, being out as a woman of transgender experience is not only possible, but it is easier and comes with more opportunities than ever.
Yeah. You are never going to be 18, thin and hot again with a body that hasn't fully taken all the hits of male puberty. But you can be a grown up woman.
The challenge for you is to take the steps. One step at a time.
I suspect that there are things and people you value in your life; a family, a career, whatever. Those are things you do not want to lose capriciously, that you have to be smart and prudent about.
But there are steps to take. 1) Find a transpositive therapist and start. 2) Find a tranny group and attend 3) Find a tranny conference and go. The Be-All in Chicago, First Event in Boston, or my home conference, Southern Comfort in Atlanta
I don't know where you live or what your life is like, but there is some way that you can start the exploration you need. And the first part of that exploration is finding someone to whom you can say out loud all the things you have held inside for years. It is only when you can hear what you say, see what you express that you will know what is inside of your heart, inside your head, inside your soul.
One of the hardest parts of starting down the exploration of trans is finding the wisdom to know what expectations you need to release. In the darkness, everything grows twisted, and it takes a long time in the light to straighten out our thinking and feeling, those deep desires and deep fears, what we want and what we need and all the other bits we twisted together. We have to feel our feelings, think through our thoughts and challenge our beliefs to get straight again.
I am absolutely sure that you can find a trans-expression in this world that suits you and your situation, though I don't know what it will be. Take it slow and don't assume you know where you "should" be; like all of life, our destination is always the same, planted in the dust, and it is the journey that makes all the difference, choices and immersion. Lots of transpeople thought they knew they were a this or that, ran to that place, and wonder why it didn't make them happy.
You don't know what will make you happy, though you suspect some magical new life that starts as a young girl might. You don't know that for sure, and you also know that's not going to happen.
But you know that you can't stay this sad, hidden and hurting anymore. That means you need to take the steps, my friend, starting with the basic one, saying out loud "I always wanted to be a girl," and continuing down the long road to find out what kind of mature expression works for you, merging honest and pretty expression with whatever else you value in your life.
One step at a time. Don't jump ahead, because that will only bring fear. You have choices to make everyday, a choice to go ahead, to go back, to stay where you are, or to try a different choice. You will go down dead ends and have failed experiments; all human growth has that, as any teenager will be happy to tell you.
Find a way to make your own art, your own representation of your inner self, and shape that art to become as beautiful and as challenging as you want to be.
But take the step. One step, just one, to saying "This is me, without all the denial and filters, with understanding and grace."
I believe you can free yourself and find a balanced life, you a transperson who is loved and valued in the room.
But I also believe, in the end, that while finding good help is key, in the end, who you are in this moment and the next is up to you.
And you can do it.
Dance the dance. Find a therapist, a group, a conference. Make art and see yourself reflected. The longest journey starts with one step, and can go any way at any time.
And most of all, trust the love and the beauty in your heart.
Callie
